So, why on Earth does it seem like I always end up writing in this blog when I’ve got something negative going on in my life? Yes, I’ve written blogs where I’m happy, or romantic, or even excited, but for the most part this seems to be my soapbox for venting.  I sure hope that is ok with my readers-I don’t want to seem like that type of person that I can’t stand that is ALWAYS complaining about something, that never has anything good to say, because people, I’m not like that at all.  If you knew me in person, you’d probably never hear me say any of these things-you’d see a person that 85% of the time had a smile on my face and that you never knew what I was thinking or how I was feeling about certain things.  But you don’t get that side of me here, because blogs give you the power to write about how you are truly feeling, without worrying about being judged by people.  So I apologize if you feel that I’m complaining too much, but I am just trying to get things off my chest.

So here I am, laying on the couch watching some tv, and I get a phone call from my mother.  I let it go to the answering machine for some reason, and I could just sense from her message that she sounded weird.  I don’t know what it is, but that’s just how she sounded to me.  I started to get that all-too-familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach-nervousness about returning her call and talking to her.  I used to get that feeling because she had so much power over me that I didn’t feel strong enough to stand up to her.  I couldn’t say no to her no matter what she was asking of me and no matter how big of a request it was.  Then I started going to my therapist and luckily she broke me of that awful habit.  That’s when I stopped talking to her for quite some time, and I felt SO strong.  I love my mom, but we do NOT have a functional relationship.  So I decided that I should call her back, just to talk for a few minutes.  So I did.  And the conversation just felt stressed.  She asked me what I planned on doing this summer (since I don’t work).  I told her that Ryan and I wanted to go on vacation and wanted to go visit his family in Tennessee at some point.  She asked “How his job was doing”, and I said fine, and that he had just finished a class and was starting another one on Monday.  She asked me just how much longer it was going to be until he was done with school.  This is a loaded question, because I know that she and my stepdad both think that Ryan should finish school before we get married, but that’s not important to me and it’s not even close to happening.  So that really aggravated me.  I don’t know, it just seems like she’s very critical of our relationship even now, and that makes it hard for me to want to be around her.  I am supposed to go with her to my brother’s wedding in June and I have NO desire to go-my therapist has said that I shouldn’t go, but I think that would possibly hurt my brother’s feelings pretty badly.  But I don’t want to go-I don’t want to spend that time with people who don’t even approve of my relationship with Ryan.

Then there’s the ever-present weight issue.  My mom definitely is pressuring me to lose weight because she surely doesn’t want to present a fat daughter at the wedding-dare she have one.  So she keeps telling me that she wants to take me shopping to find a dress and an outfit to wear to the rehearsal dinner and the wedding…that’s a stressful event for me because it’s my mom’s chance to criticize my body.  I watched a movie last night called Phat Girls, and it really made me realize that whether I lose a single pound, I’ve got to learn to love myself no matter how I look.  If I don’t, I will keep getting hurt by people’s opinions of how I look, and that’s just no way to live my life.  I need to stop worrying so much about what people say and think about me and just enjoy life and what great friends and (some) family I have.  I’ve got a fantastic man who loves me just the way I am, and even though my parents think that I’m settling because I’ve found a guy who accepts me for my weight, they are wrong-Ryan has been with me at my smallest and biggest and it doesn’t make a difference for him.  So you know, that’s bothering me about my mom.  She’s the one person that I’m the most sensitive to when she talks about my weight, and she is the one who is relentless and never stops.  I’ve got to start finding some way to set up a wall to that.  I’m going to talk to Lynn about it next time I go, for sure.  Thoughts, opinions, and comments are appreciated.  Have a great evening, all!