I don’t know what my problem is…I just got off the phone with my mom and I’m just feeling blue.  She told me (again) that she wants to take me shopping for an outfit to go to my brother’s wedding in June.  And you know, that’s not that big of a deal, I don’t really care about going shopping with her.  It kinda pisses me off in a way knowing that she wants to take me shopping so that she can “approve” of what I pick out-she doesn’t ever like things that I pick to wear.  When Ryan and I came to Natchez to go to the Mardi Gras thing, I had bought a dress and everything, and yet she ended up taking us to the mall and getting me a totally new dress to wear.  She doesn’t really like my taste, and I just end up laying down and letting her make that decision for me.  It’s bullcrap.  So once again, she’s doing that because we are going to this wedding in June and she wants to present me as well as she can to the family.  But even then, that’s not what has me feeling blue.  More than anything, truthfully, I just do NOT want to go to this wedding.  I don’t know why.  I just don’t.  I don’t want to spend this time with my family at all.  Every time I know that I have to do something with my family, I get this weird anxious feeling in my stomach.  It’s like I’m expected to feel like I’m happy and part of them, and I know on the inside that I’m just not.  I don’t ever feel that way when I am doing something with my dad, I usually feel very accepted and very at ease.  But when I know I’ve got to be around my mom and my stepdad and my stepsiblings and the whole clan, I just don’t feel like I belong.  I feel like it’s incredibly forced, and it makes me so uncomfortable.  It’s not that I don’t love my brother, or that I don’t want to see him get married, or anything like that, it’s just that I don’t want to go.  I have this incredible feeling inside me that tells me that.  So when my mom mentioned shopping I told her that.  I said “For some reason I’m just not looking forward to this at all.”  And she sounded weird and said we’d talk about it later.  I told her that wasn’t necessary, it was just me venting, but she said she wanted to talk about it more.  Argh.  But I couldn’t help myself saying it.  It was the truth, and the closer it gets the more I can’t hide my trepidation about going.  I have to spend time staying with them in a rented house and I just remember last time Ryan and I stayed with them and how she got drunk and embarrassed me.  And then that makes me sad and I feel like I’m betraying her for having these feelings.  I’m just a big mismash of feelings right now.

Then Bob told me that instead of selling his computer on Ebay, he wanted me to donate it to one of the students at Riveroaks that I felt needed it.  I want to give it to one of the 5th graders that are going to a new school next year.  Many of our students already have computers, so I don’t want to give it to one of the ones who has a computer.  I am thinking that I’ll probably end up giving it to one of the boys, and I do have some in mind, but it’s such a hard decision trying to decide who I am going to give it to in the long run.  There are so many of them that need it, that I’m thinking maybe just putting their names in a hat like I did for PRIMETIME might be the way to go. And then how do I get it home with them?  I can’t send it home on the bus!! It’s huge! It’s not a laptop, it’s a desktop.  Any thoughts?

OK, I’m going to wallow in my bad mood. LOL.