Ok, so I have to write this, or I am going to proceed into the kitchen and make whatever I can get my hands on and shove it down my throat……WITHOUT chewing or breathing or enjoying it, really.  I am SO SO SO SO hungry right now.  I was not good at getting my shakes in on a time schedule that was good today, and therefore here I sit, starving and really wanting to eat.  I had a good day today.  I taught my classes, and yes only 2 days til I get a WORK DAY.  Now I thought I’d get the 5th grade period off because our 5th grade class lost a teacher and has been split into two classes. WRONG.  When it came time for 5th grade, there they were, lined up outside and ready to come in.  Totally threw me off, and I was not prepared with their papers.  But I found them and all was fine.  I even got the invitations put in the boxes of people at work, so I am starting to see who will get a formal invite, etc.  I am really irritated because there’s this one lady who I work with that I do NOT want to invite, but everyone else is coming and she will know if I don’t invite her because I’m inviting the lady next door, but she is always such a BITCH (scuse the language) to me, and I don’t even want her there to eat our free good food.  GRR.  So anyway I went through my day as normal, then brought Ryan home and went to my new job at Sylvan.  It went VERY well.  I really am going to enjoy it, I think.  I trained a little bit with my supervisor, then observed one of the tutors doing Academic Reading and another child was being tutored in Writing.  I’m excited.  I’m going again tomorrow, then don’t have to go again until Saturday.  So I’ll get some time in this week, but not TOO many hours.  Also, I came home and changed our reservations for Disney (again!) We are trying to make sure we’re being realistic about the price.  We also needed to add a package instead of just hotel reservations.  So that’s what I did.  Now I’m sitting here and am honestly just miserable.  Why the hell do I have to go through this to lose weight? Why did I have to be given this stupid body that gains weight no matter if I put a single freaking bite of food in my mouth.  I am so frustrated by all of it.  I’m having a really rough time wanting to stick to the diet-I actually got home from tutoring and went in the kitchen and pulled out something to eat, then said Nope, I’m not going to do that-and got a shake.  I am proud of myself for doing that but that doesn’t mean I’m not sitting here right now debating eating my freaking heart out.  It is so hard, and it’s not going to get any easier.  It is depressing and aggravating and I just can’t believe I am pushing myself throught it, but at the same time, this is the last straw for me.  I wasn’t losing weight from anything else.  So I will stick to it.  I know I will go off of it on my birthday, so I’m going to stick to it until then (the 27th of October) and see how much I can lose.  Then after my birthday it’s back on plan til Thanksgiving, then Christmas, etc.  So at least once a month I get a “cheat” time.  So I can look forward to that, but it’s not making tonight any easier.  STUPID DIET.

Ok, enough pity party from me.  That’s all I have to say-i’m just trying to distract myself and keep my mind off eating.  I’m going to do wedding stuff-I’ve got to get my addresses done for my mom.

Will write more later.

So, I weighed in today.  I lost 5.2 lbs.!  That’s supposed to be great, right? I’m supposed to be elated and ecstatic about losing that much weight since SUNDAY, but instead, I feel terrible.  I feel sad and deflated.  I for some crazy unhealthy reason was disappointed with that five pounds that I lost.  I have stuck with my diet all week long, and just thought I’d lose more, but that attitude is REALLY unhealthy.  I should be excited about my weight loss, but instead all I can think about is how long this process is going to be and wondering if I’ll ever even get there.  I had a good day at work today-actually a great day.  I got a lot accomplished, but was very busy all day.  I drank all of my shakes, which I neglected to get done at work yesterday and had to make up for it when I got home.  So today I did it.  I was so pumped about the weigh in, but then I got there and weighed in and it was like someone punched me in the stomach.  I don’t know what happened.  So then I sat in the room waiting for the Nurse Practitioner and I felt like crying the whole time.  I refrained, of course, but when she came in I told her how I was feeling and she said that 5.2 lbs. was a lot, and that last time I did the diet, was I exercising? No.  I started out not exercising and at a lower weight than I am now…so why did I lose less in 5 days?  Who knows.  She suggested that I might be PMSing or something, but yeah, haven’t had a cycle since January because I’m trying to work myself off of the pill and get regular naturally, but that isn’t working.  Am hesitant to go to a doctor because the last one I went to made me feel terrible about myself, so I’m waiting until I get some of this weight off to go to the doctor and get something to regulate myself that isn’t the pill.  I’ve done research on it, but I haven’t found out anything except just trying to not stress and lose weight and my body might pick back up by itself.  Anyway, so PMS wasn’t it.  So then I talked to her and went in to the meeting, where I didn’t know anyone and felt like a complete outsider with all of those people.  They had a click because they’d started together, and I have no one that I started with, and I feel like I’m just a ghost in there.  It was weird.  Anybody that knew me would be shocked at how I am when I’m around people that I don’t know and i don’t know ANYBODY in the room.  It’s unnerving for me.  So I sat through the meeting, which truly felt like a waste of time for me.  I had heard just about everything they’d talked about during my Welcome session, so it was just borrrring.  Then it was time to come home.  I called my mom and she helped me feel better.  She suggested that I go talk to someone about my unreasonable expectations on myself, because she thinks that it’s my perfectionism coming into play, and that if I don’t get a handle on it I might sabotage myself.  She also said that she was really proud of me, which means a lot to me.  Ryan and I are going to Natchez the weekend of October 9th to see the Balloon Race, so we talked about that some.  I’m looking forward to spending some time with my family and seeing everyone ,and I think that Ryan and I will have a great time watching the actual balloons-they are SO gorgeous.  And we are going to have a hotel room so we’ll have our own area, which is nice too.  So that’s about all I know for today.  Now I’m home, feeling down and trying not to, but not having much success.  :(  Hope I feel better tomorrow.

OK, so Day Four is OVER.  I swear, it’s like every day that goes by on this, I thank God that I’ve had the strength to get through it.  It is SO hard not to eat.  Today was a rough day for me in some ways, but a great day in others.  I got to work today and after I did morning checkout I had a LOT to do, so I got to work.  Ryan and I had to go fill out a Fixed Asset Disposal Form for the things that people just randomly put on the stage.  So we did that.  Then I had to go get the principal to sign off on it, so I went ahead and took her a piece of paper with some things I needed her to know: first of all, I needed her to decide on whether or not we were going to order the additional dictionaries that we needed for 3rd grade.  After some indecisiveness, she finally agreed. Then I had to tell her about the keyboards that we still needed, so she told me that the secretary had to order those so that we’d get our discount, so I had to print that page out and give it to the secretary.  I had to find out the price of the dictionaries with shipping because we have to send in a check for payment.  Then I reminded her about the science workbooks that she has yet to give me a yes/no on to order.  She decided that she did not want to order them, even though she had initially told me yes and I’d told the teachers that they were getting them.   Well she decided it was too expensive, so she wants me to buy one per grade level so that they can make copies out of it, even though all of their copy numbers are about to run out.  LOL.  So anyway after I talked to her I had to come and add the science workbooks to the order we had already typed up for some other workbooks.  So then it was time for me to go to reading block, so I went and that went by quickly.  I helped a student who had been acting up a LOT the past week, but I have been helping him a lot when I go to her room, and I feel like he looks up to me now.  He’s a good kid, I think he really needs his medication though, because days that he doesn’t have it he can just NOT focus.  So after Reading block I had to go make phone calls about Blackboard, since some of our employees were having login problems, so I got them in BB.  I went back in the room and it was time for my 1st graders.  They were such a great group today.  The finished watching their nonfiction story about Humphrey, then I asked them some questions about the video.  In perspective, you should know that they were able to answer the questions and they saw the first half of the video WEEKS ago and still knew the answers, and the group I had yesterday watched it all YESTERDAY and couldn’t even answer ONE simple question about it.  I don’t know what their deal was.  Anyway, I continued reinforcing the nonfiction by reading them a book about whales.  I was SO impressed with this one little girl.  Last year she was a real problem for me, but this year she’s AWESOME.  We were talking about the two types of whales, toothed and baleen, and I asked if anyone knew what baleen was, and she remembered that it was the stuff in their mouth! I was SO impressed.  So anyway, I read some more of the book about whales and dolphins, and then it was time for them to go to lunch.  It makes me feel good when they don’t want to leave the library because they are enjoying what we’re doing in there.  They wanted to stay and keep listening to the book.  So then it was time for lunch, and again I continued working through lunch so that it’d be easier on the diet…then I realized I hadn’t even EATEN.  Whoops! So I drank my first shake of the day and took my vitamin.  Then I had 2nd grade.  They were pretty good but very noisy.  I find that this particular class is always a bit noisy, I had to write in two behavior books.  I haven’t had to do that all week.  (Well actually I did, but that was different).  Then 4th grade came in.  I got to do the OPAC lesson with them, and they really absorbed it well.  I had one student who came in with a rotten attitude, but he even got involved with the lesson and did a great job by the end of class.  Then 3rd grade came in and my day went south.  I had come up with a plan to pick two people to do checkout so that I could read aloud to them while they were doing their activity.  That did NOT work well.  With 3rd grade, the girls were great, but they were noisy, and with kids asking Ryan for help, it was just too noisy and it was hard for students to focus on what the heck I was reading.  Plus, they get too excited about getting to check out books.  So that was a BAD idea.  It was even WORSE for 5th grade.  First off, I had the worst 5th grade class that there is.  I honestly think this is the worst group period.  Well they were literally like wild people in there.  The two that I chose to do checkout did a good job but they were so so noisy!  They have such loud speaking voices that I could hear them across the library.  There were other students that were so noisy finding their books, I don’t know it was just chaos.  I kept thinking that if my boss walked in she’d have a friggin heart attach.  So they got out of there and it was such a relief.  I decided that I was going to once again change the policy.  I decided that I was going to give them work to do while they sit at their desks.  I think I’m also going to go back to ME doing checkout instead of the kids.  If they still talk while I’m doing checkout, then I’ll go back to trying the kids checking out while they do work at their desks and I walk around and monitor students.  But I don’t know, we’ll see how it works tomorrow with them doing work at their desks and me doing checkout.  That should work.  I’m also going to turn on the timer and be VERY strict about how long they get to get out there and check out books.  That should help with the chaos too.  So that was my day at work.  Then I realized I had one shake all day long.  So I came on home, and got a shake first thing.  Ryan and I decided on the way home that we may be thinking about moving to the apartment upstairs.  It just got new tile everywhere except the bedrooms.  It’s also getting new cabinets and countertops in the kitchen, and it’s probably going to be repainted.  Not to mention we’d have a porch and an upstairs area where we could put one of our fold out couches.  I called the landlord and she said she was going to charge $75-$100 more than we pay in rent, which is NOT bad. We can’t afford to move into a house right now, and probably won’t be able to for quite a while after we get married, we are paying off some pre-marital debt that we accumulated.  She told me that she’d call me back in the next couple of days because she had someone who was pretty interested in it, and she’d tell me if they were moving in.  If not, we’re going to go up there and look at it and make our decision.  I think that if it’s as nice as we think it is we’ll probably move.  But for some reason I feel nervous because I don’t want to make the wrong decision.  But I think I’m just in a weird mood because well, I’ve had a rough day.  I am going to keep thinking on it and make my decision.  I know that my family would think we shouldn’t move because we need to save for a house, but we do NOT want to live here in this apartment for two more years.  There are things about the upstairs unit that we were looking for in a house, so it might be more up our alley.

Anyway, that’s about all I know for now.  Just wanted to write and fill in on the somewhat stressful day that I’d had, and hoping that it gets better.  I do go to my meeting tomorrow night and get to weigh in.  Hope I did well my first week!!!